Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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