once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
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We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
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At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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