I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
