God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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