I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
