I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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