I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
