i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
