she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
