If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
