i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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