In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
