allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
