if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
