8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
