I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
