I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
