She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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