oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
