I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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