It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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