There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
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I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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