Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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