you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
organizing the empties. That sober.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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