You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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