Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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