Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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