What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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