Is that why you're texting me
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.