i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
