Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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