didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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