your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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