not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
