Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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