i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
