Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
