I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the condom got lost in my hair
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
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you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
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This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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