she woke up with a sticky ear
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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