Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
