i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
