ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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