is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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