Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
