Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
