He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Text me some of your sweat
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
