Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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