The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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