Your face is a jimmy john
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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