You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
