Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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