she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
