I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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