Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
