dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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