I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
