I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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